Thursday, March 15, 2012
I Never, Ever Have to Be Afraid
We sang a song a few weeks ago at church and there is a line in the song that says, "I never, ever have to be afraid..." This line really gets me every time I sing it. Really, it's because I can't remember a time when I haven't, to some extent, been afraid.
I grew up in a home where fear was manufactured and used for control. It's difficult to describe without dishonoring my parents, whom I love. Know that they are not bad people and I do not view them negatively (anymore). But I have always, always been afraid. I have anxious tics and nervous eye movements. I'm jumpy and can't handle being yelled at to this day. It turns me into an 8 year old instantly. I have always been afraid. That's not to say that I view myself as easy to intimidate. It's that I have this undercurrent of fear that is always brewing right below the surface. I have learned to hide it well, so when you meet me you may not know. Some of my best friends may not know. But I know.
In my adult life this fear has manifested itself in many different ways. Mostly as this bravado that I spew at unsuspecting individuals. I am loud and kind of obnoxious. I have a mean sense of humor - I don't know how to joke with people and I'm kind of socially awkward. Thank goodness God loves me and is changing me. I can see how my fear undercurrent has made me different from everyone else, though.
So to hear a line in a song that says I never, ever have to be afraid is pretty striking. How do I get that? How do I get to never, ever be afraid. Being afraid is kind of who I am. It's in me, like my DNA. How do I extract that? How do you eliminate something that is a part of who you are?
In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul tells Timothy that "God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
The word used for "spirit" here is the Greek word 'pneuma' and is the word most often used for the "Holy Spirit." Holy Spirit is what is sent to live in us, in place of us when we believe that Jesus is the Messiah. You hear people talk about God living in their hearts - they are (or should be) referring to Holy Spirit. Let me give you an example of how Paul uses 'pneuma' in another verse:
2 Corinthians 13:14 : "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ , and the love of God and the communion of the Holy Ghost, [be] with you all . Amen"
Looking at it in this context, what it seems to me that Paul is saying is that God gave me the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit is not afraid, but powerful, loving and is self-controlled.
God didn't give me my spirit of fear. Someone else did that. Is God sovereign over my childhood - absolutely. But that is a topic for a different post - maybe the next one. Let me make it clear, though, I do not believe God was absent when I was 8. He was very present and very aware of my circumstances. He did not leave me. He was there when this spirit of fear was being developed in my soul, in my very being.
Then, when He saved me, He gave me a new Spirit. And this Spirit is not afraid of anything - because it is the One True God. I can't fathom God being afraid of anything. If this is the Spirit that possesses my thoughts, my actions, my words and every part of my being, then it is safe to say that I never, ever have to be afraid. I can't even being to tell you how freeing that is for me. I can't describe it.
God already lives in me. He is my Spirit. He is my heart. He is my DNA. That is how the fear can be extracted. I let God take out what He did not intend and I let Him replace those parts with Himself. If I allow Him to make me who He intended me to be, if I allow His Spirit to become who I am, then I never, ever have to be afraid.
This is new skin I'm walking in. This is a new world. His ways are so much better than my ways. I thank God for His mercy - He could have left me in my sin and my fear, but instead He put that on Jesus. Thank you, God, for giving me your Spirit that never, ever has to be afraid again. Amen.
Praying for you all.
Tricia
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Jesus and the Little Girl
I have a birthday coming up in a few days. I try not to think about how old I am. I often lie about my age, as a matter of fact <gasp>. Don't judge me. Twenty-nine was a good year. I've decided to stick with that.
My birthdays often make me think of being a little girl. There were definitely a few good birthdays in those single digit years that make me smile. I had slumber parties and stayed up late dancing (if that's what you can call it). I ate too much and laughed a lot. There were some rough years in there, as well. Life wasn't always super in my house.
Jesus knew a little girl once. This is the story that the Gospels depict of Jesus' encounter with this little girl. Things apparently didn't go very well for her, either. You never hear her name. You never see her face. But you get to see what happens when she meets Jesus.
"While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” he said. “Don’t bother the teacher anymore.” Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child’s father and mother. Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. “Stop wailing,” Jesus said. “She is not dead but asleep.”
They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead.But he took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!” Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.Her parents were astonished, but he ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened."
So to sum it up, Jesus is busy healing one woman when Jairus walks up and doesn't even get the chance to ask Jesus to heal his daughter. Someone else tells Jairus that his daughter is dead. Don't even bother asking Jesus to heal her. She's gone. Jesus, in all His Glory says, "Just believe. I can still handle this." Jesus gets to Jairus's place and sees everyone crying. So he tells them to cut it out. Stop crying. She's not dead, but asleep. The word Jesus used for what we translate to mean "not dead" is "apothnesko ou" which means "absolutely not dead."
Everyone starts to laugh at Jesus. Not just laugh at Him, but laugh in scorn because they saw the girl die. Jesus hasn't even looked at her. How does He know? Right?
This is where it gets good. He walks into her room. He takes her hand. He says two words: "Pais, egeiro!" Pais means girl. Egeiro can mean two things. It can mean to rise from disease or death. Or it can mean to to rise from ruins or non-existence.
I don't know what happened to that little girl. I don't know how she died. But I know whatever happened to her just didn't matter any more once Jesus got close.
I love this story. Once I was a little girl. And I died a long time before I even knew I was dead. I had some things taken from me. And then I started to give them away. But I was dead, nonetheless. But then Jesus walked in. He got close enough to me to hold my hand. And He told me to get up - to rise from my ruins, from the non-existence that I had made. And then my spirit returned and at once I was whole.
How do you not love Jesus? When this is what He does - when this is what His entire earthly ministry and every goal of His entrance onto this planet was, how do you not love Him?
If you would like to meet this Jesus, you let me know. I can introduce you.
Praying for you all -
Tricia
My birthdays often make me think of being a little girl. There were definitely a few good birthdays in those single digit years that make me smile. I had slumber parties and stayed up late dancing (if that's what you can call it). I ate too much and laughed a lot. There were some rough years in there, as well. Life wasn't always super in my house.
Jesus knew a little girl once. This is the story that the Gospels depict of Jesus' encounter with this little girl. Things apparently didn't go very well for her, either. You never hear her name. You never see her face. But you get to see what happens when she meets Jesus.
"While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” he said. “Don’t bother the teacher anymore.” Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child’s father and mother. Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. “Stop wailing,” Jesus said. “She is not dead but asleep.”
They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead.But he took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!” Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.Her parents were astonished, but he ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened."
So to sum it up, Jesus is busy healing one woman when Jairus walks up and doesn't even get the chance to ask Jesus to heal his daughter. Someone else tells Jairus that his daughter is dead. Don't even bother asking Jesus to heal her. She's gone. Jesus, in all His Glory says, "Just believe. I can still handle this." Jesus gets to Jairus's place and sees everyone crying. So he tells them to cut it out. Stop crying. She's not dead, but asleep. The word Jesus used for what we translate to mean "not dead" is "apothnesko ou" which means "absolutely not dead."
Everyone starts to laugh at Jesus. Not just laugh at Him, but laugh in scorn because they saw the girl die. Jesus hasn't even looked at her. How does He know? Right?
This is where it gets good. He walks into her room. He takes her hand. He says two words: "Pais, egeiro!" Pais means girl. Egeiro can mean two things. It can mean to rise from disease or death. Or it can mean to to rise from ruins or non-existence.
I don't know what happened to that little girl. I don't know how she died. But I know whatever happened to her just didn't matter any more once Jesus got close.
I love this story. Once I was a little girl. And I died a long time before I even knew I was dead. I had some things taken from me. And then I started to give them away. But I was dead, nonetheless. But then Jesus walked in. He got close enough to me to hold my hand. And He told me to get up - to rise from my ruins, from the non-existence that I had made. And then my spirit returned and at once I was whole.
How do you not love Jesus? When this is what He does - when this is what His entire earthly ministry and every goal of His entrance onto this planet was, how do you not love Him?
If you would like to meet this Jesus, you let me know. I can introduce you.
Praying for you all -
Tricia
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Everything Matters
God and I have been having this struggle lately. Wait, that's not right. I have been having this struggle with God lately. I've started to feel like maybe the things that I am going through aren't important. Does that make sense? Like what I am dealing with and how I am dealing with it don't really matter. Most of the time, the only people that see me are my husband and kids any way. I feel useless to the Kingdom. I feel impotent for Christ. That's like the exact opposite of what I want. That has led to me feeling like I'm not really good enough to serve Christ in the kind of capacity for which I thought He would use me. And that hurts.
But God has been speaking to me. He's not been telling me how great I am. He's not been telling me how important or smart I am. He has been telling me that He is great. He is important. He is sovereign. And it all matters.
God isn't ignoring me. He is growing me. God isn't looking away - He is waiting for me to look up. This is all about Him - this has nothing to do with me. And until I get that - until I really realize that my entire life is designed and built around glorifying God, I am making myself useless.
Every time I answer an angry word with a quiet word, I am making a difference for the Kingdom. Every time I notice my children and I correct or love them, I am making a difference. Even the smallest things - if I am doing them to and for the glory of God, they matter. Because they are glorifying God. Anything else that I do is worthless.
God has been telling me to live to His glory. If I want to make a difference, If I want to really make an impact, I have to live for His glory alone. I have to humble myself and seek Him and do whatever He asks. All the time.
When I think about it like that, it makes me feel silly for feeling any of the things I felt before. Because it's not about me. God is going to use me however He wants and even if I'm an idiot, that only increases the likelihood that I will be used! I just want to serve Him - I mean that with my whole heart. So God is telling me to relax, and remember whose greatness I should be seeking. If that means the only people I ever impact are in this house, then it still matters to Him. And that's all that matters any way.
But God has been speaking to me. He's not been telling me how great I am. He's not been telling me how important or smart I am. He has been telling me that He is great. He is important. He is sovereign. And it all matters.
God isn't ignoring me. He is growing me. God isn't looking away - He is waiting for me to look up. This is all about Him - this has nothing to do with me. And until I get that - until I really realize that my entire life is designed and built around glorifying God, I am making myself useless.
Every time I answer an angry word with a quiet word, I am making a difference for the Kingdom. Every time I notice my children and I correct or love them, I am making a difference. Even the smallest things - if I am doing them to and for the glory of God, they matter. Because they are glorifying God. Anything else that I do is worthless.
God has been telling me to live to His glory. If I want to make a difference, If I want to really make an impact, I have to live for His glory alone. I have to humble myself and seek Him and do whatever He asks. All the time.
When I think about it like that, it makes me feel silly for feeling any of the things I felt before. Because it's not about me. God is going to use me however He wants and even if I'm an idiot, that only increases the likelihood that I will be used! I just want to serve Him - I mean that with my whole heart. So God is telling me to relax, and remember whose greatness I should be seeking. If that means the only people I ever impact are in this house, then it still matters to Him. And that's all that matters any way.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
What Now?
Well, I finished up with the past. Now I have to move on to the present day. Which forced me to really ask myself what I wanted this blog to be. I would like for it to be revelations as they come from God. I would like to be able to get out my daily redemption on "paper." God is always speaking, all the time and I really wanted to have a canvas on which to relate the various ways that He is working.
Here's my problem with that. I've been avoiding God. There. I said it. It's out there. I don't feel better - but there it is. God is definitely speaking to me right now. I just don't like what He is saying. So I'm ignoring Him. Wow, does that sound stupid when I say it out loud. Where do I really think I'm hiding? I'm not clever enough to outwit my 18 month old who still thinks he hides behind his hands. That must be what I look like to God - a toddler putting her hands over her eyes saying, " I don't see you!"
Why am I avoiding God, you ask? That's kind of a long story. The gist of it is I am having some problems with my family that I don't want to deal with. Turns out I'm a lot more angry about things that happened a long time ago than I would like to admit and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to confront anyone, because I don't think that would do any good. But I'm really not good at pretending or patronizing someone by pretending I feel something for them that I don't, so I've just been avoiding people all together. God has been telling me for a while that I need to deal with it, I just don't know how. So I've been avoiding God, too, hoping the whole situation will just disappear. Turns out life doesn't just vanish when it gets difficult.
We met with a new small group last week and I was asked to put down on paper the situations in our lives that we can't run from but we don't have any power to change. I put my family relationships down and now, over the next two weeks I am to be reflecting on what God is saying to me about this particular thing. An entire week of my two weeks went by with me still trying to ignore the situation. But then I got the accountability carpet pulled right out from under me and I felt like I had to do something.
I had a quiet time this morning. I prayed first that God would show me something - anything to help me hear what He is telling me about this "weed." I was really hoping for something more than that I have to deal with it. I know I have to deal with it. I just need some motivation.
So I read in the Gospels. Specifically, I hit some Mark. Once I started reading, I didn't want to stop. I was reading in the chapters where Jesus does all of the healing. He heals a leper. He heals a paralytic that was lowered from a roof. He heals his friend's mom. He gets up early to pray and then travels to another town where he continues to heal the sick and chase demons out of the living.
In the middle of reading, it hit me. All of these injured, wounded and broken had to be carried to Jesus somehow. Someone had to bring these people to healing. Some were so desperate to get their loved ones to Jesus that they removed a roof and lowered the sick down right in front of the Son of God. He was too broken to get to God himself. So someone carried him. That has just continued to resonate with me all day long. They had to believe so deeply that Jesus was the only thing that could fix this person that they loved that they climbed some one's house, hitched a rope to the sick guy's bed, tore up the roof, and lowered their brother in - just to get him in front of Jesus. They weren't going to give up until they got that guy in front of Jesus. Man, I'm a bad sister.
I'm really not sure where God is going with this in me yet. I just know that I am "well." I'm not perfect - but I am healed. I have a relationship with Christ that I'm not sure many in my family have. I need to have faith that Christ can heal this thing that has been broken. I have no idea how that is going to happen. But I know it has to start with some restoration. If anyone is going to let me carry them, they are going to have to let me get close enough to them to put my arms around them. So that is what I will be praying for - restoration. And forgiveness.
Thanks for hanging in. I'll be praying for you all.
Tricia
Here's my problem with that. I've been avoiding God. There. I said it. It's out there. I don't feel better - but there it is. God is definitely speaking to me right now. I just don't like what He is saying. So I'm ignoring Him. Wow, does that sound stupid when I say it out loud. Where do I really think I'm hiding? I'm not clever enough to outwit my 18 month old who still thinks he hides behind his hands. That must be what I look like to God - a toddler putting her hands over her eyes saying, " I don't see you!"
Why am I avoiding God, you ask? That's kind of a long story. The gist of it is I am having some problems with my family that I don't want to deal with. Turns out I'm a lot more angry about things that happened a long time ago than I would like to admit and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to confront anyone, because I don't think that would do any good. But I'm really not good at pretending or patronizing someone by pretending I feel something for them that I don't, so I've just been avoiding people all together. God has been telling me for a while that I need to deal with it, I just don't know how. So I've been avoiding God, too, hoping the whole situation will just disappear. Turns out life doesn't just vanish when it gets difficult.
We met with a new small group last week and I was asked to put down on paper the situations in our lives that we can't run from but we don't have any power to change. I put my family relationships down and now, over the next two weeks I am to be reflecting on what God is saying to me about this particular thing. An entire week of my two weeks went by with me still trying to ignore the situation. But then I got the accountability carpet pulled right out from under me and I felt like I had to do something.
I had a quiet time this morning. I prayed first that God would show me something - anything to help me hear what He is telling me about this "weed." I was really hoping for something more than that I have to deal with it. I know I have to deal with it. I just need some motivation.
So I read in the Gospels. Specifically, I hit some Mark. Once I started reading, I didn't want to stop. I was reading in the chapters where Jesus does all of the healing. He heals a leper. He heals a paralytic that was lowered from a roof. He heals his friend's mom. He gets up early to pray and then travels to another town where he continues to heal the sick and chase demons out of the living.
In the middle of reading, it hit me. All of these injured, wounded and broken had to be carried to Jesus somehow. Someone had to bring these people to healing. Some were so desperate to get their loved ones to Jesus that they removed a roof and lowered the sick down right in front of the Son of God. He was too broken to get to God himself. So someone carried him. That has just continued to resonate with me all day long. They had to believe so deeply that Jesus was the only thing that could fix this person that they loved that they climbed some one's house, hitched a rope to the sick guy's bed, tore up the roof, and lowered their brother in - just to get him in front of Jesus. They weren't going to give up until they got that guy in front of Jesus. Man, I'm a bad sister.
I'm really not sure where God is going with this in me yet. I just know that I am "well." I'm not perfect - but I am healed. I have a relationship with Christ that I'm not sure many in my family have. I need to have faith that Christ can heal this thing that has been broken. I have no idea how that is going to happen. But I know it has to start with some restoration. If anyone is going to let me carry them, they are going to have to let me get close enough to them to put my arms around them. So that is what I will be praying for - restoration. And forgiveness.
Thanks for hanging in. I'll be praying for you all.
Tricia
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Almost There...
Okay, kids. Let's get through these last years so we can get on to the good stuff. God is all about redemption, and that is the story I really want to get to telling. He is redeeming us all the time. But what He is doing now won't make sense unless you know what He has already done. So let's hit it.
I ended the first year with me quitting my job to find later that same week that we were pregnant. The identification of the pregnancy was subsequent to the unemployment. Just wanted to make that clear.
Our marriage was still in shambles. Divorce is hard for a lot of reasons. I told myself when I did it that it was what was best for everyone. But truth be told, it wasn't what was best. It hurt me, it hurt my children and it hurt my husband in ways that I didn't even get to see until we were all living in the same house again. It all became quite evident in that first year and bled into the second and third year. We were a mess.
I was still not being a good wife. I thought I was - you know, because I wasn't drinking any more and I was trying not to lie and the husband and kids were my life now. Why wasn't that enough? I had this idea that because I was "saved" and God had "changed" me that things were just going to be magical and fancy and new. That I would be the perfect housewife and Mike would be the perfect husband and we would never fight again and always be happy. Imagine the opposite of that. That was reality. Not what I thought. But the opposite of what I had imagined.
There were times during that first year and into this second one that I felt like God had tricked me. I had done what He wanted. Why wasn't He keeping His promises? In my mind, He had promised me happiness. My honesty should earn me some reward, right? Turns out, doing what is expected is the minimum and does not require reward of any kind.
Perhaps you will recall the prophet Jeremiah. If you are not well versed in the Bible, allow me to introduce you to Jeremiah. God made Jeremiah some promises. These are the words God spoke to him: "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant."
God told Jeremiah He had set him over kingdoms - that he would be pulling down nations and planting new ones. Those are some promises. Jeremiah was just a kid when God spoke these words to him so I can only imagine where his thoughts went - how he thought God would develop these promises in his life. But that's so not how it went down. Every time Jeremiah opened his mouth to speak the words that God gave him, he got beat up. Seriously. No one liked Jeremiah. At one point in his ministry, Jeremiah said these words to God: "You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it. You were too much for me. And now I'm a public joke. They all poke fun at me. Every time I open my mouth I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"And all I get for my God-warnings are insults and contempt." (The Message)
That's how I felt. Like God pushed me into something with no intention on helping me through it. I was so blinded by my resentment toward my marriage and God that I completely couldn't see that I was the larger part of the problem. I was interfering with God's plan - still - so He was leaving me to my sin and the consequences of that sin.
How so, you ask? Well - this is how I found out. I went to another conference. The True Woman 2010 in February - of 2010. The first night, a Pastor spoke on 1 Peter 3:1-6. I had no idea these verses were even in the Bible until that night. Maybe you didn't either, so let me lay 'em on you: "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."
I took the liberty of bolding some of the text there for you. Holy crap. Are you kidding me? That's absolutely what I thought when that man started speaking on those verses. Submit? You don't know what you are asking me to do. You don't even understand. If I give him an inch he'll take the rest of our lives worth of a mile. No way am I backing down. I'm right. I have a right to what I feel.
But I'll tell you what got to me. The part about how my conduct - my behavior - could win him. Not my words. Not me yelling back at him. Not me cursing at him. Not any of the things I was doing. But my behavior. If I could do what I was supposed to do, Mike would be won. He would be won to God.
I had been laying all of the blame of the state of our marriage on Mike. I wasn't taking any responsibility because he was the man. He was the spiritual head. If things weren't going well, it had to be because of him and the way he was leading us.
But God stuffed that one right back down my throat. With 1 Peter 3:1-6. By the time that sermon was over I was in shambles. I was still letting God down. All that self righteousness I had when I arrived at the conference was gone and I was wrecked. I went down to the front during the response time and wept bitterly at my behavior and begged God's forgiveness. I went and prayed with a sweet woman there who, as it turned out, was a Pastor's wife and was very encouraging. Then I went home. I had to ask Mike to forgive me for the things I had been saying and doing. I had to admit that I wasn't who I should be - that I still wasn't right with God, but that I would start to work on it and would be praying that God would change me.
That's when the redemption really started. In February of 2010 - that's when things started to change. As I started to set myself under my husband - to recognize his authority in our relationship and be respectful of that - that's when things started to get better. He really did start to change. Our marriage really did start to improve. Some of the things I was afraid of happened. Things got worse before they got better.
But ask me if it was worth it. The answer is yes. Yes, it was worth it. Because our marriage now is better than it ever was before. I trust that God has a purpose for those months when things were at their worst. Know that now, things are better than I ever could have imagined they would be.
That year, we started looking for a new church. In 2011, we finally found a great home where we feel like we really fit. Mike got a raise and our financial situation has started to right itself. God has restored so many of the things that were lost - and even better than they were before. Not just relationships and not just material things - but everything. I don't even have enough space to go into all of the things that God's restoration has touched. Things have gotten magical. As I look back, I can see all of the things His hand has touched and I am in awe.
2011 was an even better year. Things just continue to get better - to the point that as we embark on 2012, I'm excited to see what God has in store for us. God is so good. Know that even in the most painful times - God is still good. He is better than we know or understand. Even after the things I've seen - the filthy, depraved things I've experienced - I believe that God is good.
That's the message in these past couple of years. God's goodness. Even when I thought He had tricked me, He was good. When I cried at night because I felt so alone, He was good. When I didn't know how I was going to keep up anymore - God was good. Better than I understood. And He loved me.
Next post - we will be to current date. Thanks for hanging in. I love you all.
Praying for you -
Tricia
I ended the first year with me quitting my job to find later that same week that we were pregnant. The identification of the pregnancy was subsequent to the unemployment. Just wanted to make that clear.
Our marriage was still in shambles. Divorce is hard for a lot of reasons. I told myself when I did it that it was what was best for everyone. But truth be told, it wasn't what was best. It hurt me, it hurt my children and it hurt my husband in ways that I didn't even get to see until we were all living in the same house again. It all became quite evident in that first year and bled into the second and third year. We were a mess.
I was still not being a good wife. I thought I was - you know, because I wasn't drinking any more and I was trying not to lie and the husband and kids were my life now. Why wasn't that enough? I had this idea that because I was "saved" and God had "changed" me that things were just going to be magical and fancy and new. That I would be the perfect housewife and Mike would be the perfect husband and we would never fight again and always be happy. Imagine the opposite of that. That was reality. Not what I thought. But the opposite of what I had imagined.
There were times during that first year and into this second one that I felt like God had tricked me. I had done what He wanted. Why wasn't He keeping His promises? In my mind, He had promised me happiness. My honesty should earn me some reward, right? Turns out, doing what is expected is the minimum and does not require reward of any kind.
Perhaps you will recall the prophet Jeremiah. If you are not well versed in the Bible, allow me to introduce you to Jeremiah. God made Jeremiah some promises. These are the words God spoke to him: "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant."
God told Jeremiah He had set him over kingdoms - that he would be pulling down nations and planting new ones. Those are some promises. Jeremiah was just a kid when God spoke these words to him so I can only imagine where his thoughts went - how he thought God would develop these promises in his life. But that's so not how it went down. Every time Jeremiah opened his mouth to speak the words that God gave him, he got beat up. Seriously. No one liked Jeremiah. At one point in his ministry, Jeremiah said these words to God: "You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it. You were too much for me. And now I'm a public joke. They all poke fun at me. Every time I open my mouth I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"And all I get for my God-warnings are insults and contempt." (The Message)
That's how I felt. Like God pushed me into something with no intention on helping me through it. I was so blinded by my resentment toward my marriage and God that I completely couldn't see that I was the larger part of the problem. I was interfering with God's plan - still - so He was leaving me to my sin and the consequences of that sin.
How so, you ask? Well - this is how I found out. I went to another conference. The True Woman 2010 in February - of 2010. The first night, a Pastor spoke on 1 Peter 3:1-6. I had no idea these verses were even in the Bible until that night. Maybe you didn't either, so let me lay 'em on you: "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."
I took the liberty of bolding some of the text there for you. Holy crap. Are you kidding me? That's absolutely what I thought when that man started speaking on those verses. Submit? You don't know what you are asking me to do. You don't even understand. If I give him an inch he'll take the rest of our lives worth of a mile. No way am I backing down. I'm right. I have a right to what I feel.
But I'll tell you what got to me. The part about how my conduct - my behavior - could win him. Not my words. Not me yelling back at him. Not me cursing at him. Not any of the things I was doing. But my behavior. If I could do what I was supposed to do, Mike would be won. He would be won to God.
I had been laying all of the blame of the state of our marriage on Mike. I wasn't taking any responsibility because he was the man. He was the spiritual head. If things weren't going well, it had to be because of him and the way he was leading us.
But God stuffed that one right back down my throat. With 1 Peter 3:1-6. By the time that sermon was over I was in shambles. I was still letting God down. All that self righteousness I had when I arrived at the conference was gone and I was wrecked. I went down to the front during the response time and wept bitterly at my behavior and begged God's forgiveness. I went and prayed with a sweet woman there who, as it turned out, was a Pastor's wife and was very encouraging. Then I went home. I had to ask Mike to forgive me for the things I had been saying and doing. I had to admit that I wasn't who I should be - that I still wasn't right with God, but that I would start to work on it and would be praying that God would change me.
That's when the redemption really started. In February of 2010 - that's when things started to change. As I started to set myself under my husband - to recognize his authority in our relationship and be respectful of that - that's when things started to get better. He really did start to change. Our marriage really did start to improve. Some of the things I was afraid of happened. Things got worse before they got better.
But ask me if it was worth it. The answer is yes. Yes, it was worth it. Because our marriage now is better than it ever was before. I trust that God has a purpose for those months when things were at their worst. Know that now, things are better than I ever could have imagined they would be.
That year, we started looking for a new church. In 2011, we finally found a great home where we feel like we really fit. Mike got a raise and our financial situation has started to right itself. God has restored so many of the things that were lost - and even better than they were before. Not just relationships and not just material things - but everything. I don't even have enough space to go into all of the things that God's restoration has touched. Things have gotten magical. As I look back, I can see all of the things His hand has touched and I am in awe.
2011 was an even better year. Things just continue to get better - to the point that as we embark on 2012, I'm excited to see what God has in store for us. God is so good. Know that even in the most painful times - God is still good. He is better than we know or understand. Even after the things I've seen - the filthy, depraved things I've experienced - I believe that God is good.
That's the message in these past couple of years. God's goodness. Even when I thought He had tricked me, He was good. When I cried at night because I felt so alone, He was good. When I didn't know how I was going to keep up anymore - God was good. Better than I understood. And He loved me.
Next post - we will be to current date. Thanks for hanging in. I love you all.
Praying for you -
Tricia
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Getting Through the Past
Alright. So, as of my first post that just so happens to be my last post we learned all about how I came to know Jesus as my Savior. My goal with this post is to bust through the past 2 years so we can get onto what God is teaching me at present, day to day.
The past two years. Well, the first of those years can be summed up like this. It was horrible. With a capital horror. I'm not even kidding. It was rough.
You see, I was "saved." And I was changed. But I had no clue how to act. My body and my mind were still the old me. The only thing that was different was the Holy Spirit residing in my person. I still really wanted to drink. Lots. And do the zanax. It's how I coped. I didn't know how to live life without a little something to get me through. My emotions were all over the place. Probably because it was the first time I had felt anything in years.
Also, I happen to be a compulsive liar. It's how I've always protected myself and gotten by. And I really wanted to keep lying. But it was like this - every time I tried to lie, every time I wanted to drink, every time I thought about using drugs, the Holy Spirit resounded in me like a gong. And that's exactly what it felt like. Like this ringing anxiety in my chest - this palpitation that I've come to know as the Holy Spirit speaking to me - alerting me. I tried to stuff it down for a while, but man God just doesn't quit.
When I think about this time, I think about Ephesians 4. Paul says this starting in verse 22: "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
God was trying to make me holy. But I had no clue where to start.
During this time, my husband and I went to a conference called Replicate. It was a discipleship conference and it was the beginning of the end of the old me. My husband and I heard David Platt speak for the first time. If you don't know who this genius of the pulpit is, you will need to get on your ipod and get you some Church at Brook Hills sermons. They will change your life.
But back to how this sermon changed my life. David Platt spoke about a few things. The thing that stuck with me was this: If you believe in the Bible, if you believe that the Bible is the word of God, then you do what it says. If you aren't doing what it says, how do you know you really love God or believe in Him? Maybe I got the message all wrong. But that is how it hit my heart.
I wasn't being the kind of wife that God said I should be. I wasn't being the kind of mother God said I should be. I wasn't taking care of the poor, or widows or disabled like God said I should be. I was serving myself. I was loving myself. But not any one else.
I was working. But it wasn't working out where I was working. It had become blatantly obvious that I couldn't be a new person and still work there. The reasons are many. But it was obvious. It was clear that God wanted me to quit. But I had worked there since I was 22 and I had built up quite the career for myself. That was really the issue - that job was all about me. What I had accomplished. What I had built. I was forsaking my God-given calling as a wife and mother for what the world would consider success. I would never be able to work there and be who God called me to be.
Mike (that's the husband) and I were discussing this fact and I was really upset. It was so hard for me to think of not having that job any more. So Mike, in his infinite wisdom told me to go pray about it. If, after I prayed I didn't feel like this is what God wanted, then I shouldn't quit. That sounded reasonable. I could just tell him whatever I wanted after I prayed and I could do what I wanted, right? Yeah, no - that's not how it turned out.
I went to our bedroom. I laid on the bed. I put my face on the mattress and I cried out to God. "God," I said, "I don't want to quit my job." My job was my identity. It was who I was. Who would I be without that job? I would be trapped. This is what I heard God say: "Do you want to be a slave forever?" What? What are you talking about? "Do you want to be a slave forever?" And I opened my Bible to Exodus 14. And I read about the crossing of the Red Sea. I read about how the Israelites were paralyzed by fear. But God told them to "Stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish (for you) today."
God was telling me that I was a slave. I hadn't earned any career. I was in bondage to the identity that the career gave me. In God was my freedom. I just had to let Him do his work - I had to be brave and take that first step in between those ocean walls and then just watch what He could do.
What I had to do was clear. I went back to the living room where Mike was waiting patiently. I hadn't been gone that long. I told him what God had said. I went to work the next day and turned in my resignation. That was a Monday. That was my salary, my hopes for myself, my plans for my life, my accomplishments and dreams - everything that I had built up for my glory - gone.
On Friday that same week, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. After that, things kind of went down hill. I guess we will have to get to the second year next time.
That first year was plagued by my attempts to keep Christ from changing me. It was destroyed by my attempts to keep Christ at bay - to live my life like I wanted it. But that time was over. I got my calling that year. I was changed that year. And I would never, ever be the same.
Thanks for hanging in for the super long post. Maybe once we get past the past, I'll get less long-winded. Love you all. Praying for you.
Tricia
The past two years. Well, the first of those years can be summed up like this. It was horrible. With a capital horror. I'm not even kidding. It was rough.
You see, I was "saved." And I was changed. But I had no clue how to act. My body and my mind were still the old me. The only thing that was different was the Holy Spirit residing in my person. I still really wanted to drink. Lots. And do the zanax. It's how I coped. I didn't know how to live life without a little something to get me through. My emotions were all over the place. Probably because it was the first time I had felt anything in years.
Also, I happen to be a compulsive liar. It's how I've always protected myself and gotten by. And I really wanted to keep lying. But it was like this - every time I tried to lie, every time I wanted to drink, every time I thought about using drugs, the Holy Spirit resounded in me like a gong. And that's exactly what it felt like. Like this ringing anxiety in my chest - this palpitation that I've come to know as the Holy Spirit speaking to me - alerting me. I tried to stuff it down for a while, but man God just doesn't quit.
When I think about this time, I think about Ephesians 4. Paul says this starting in verse 22: "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
God was trying to make me holy. But I had no clue where to start.
During this time, my husband and I went to a conference called Replicate. It was a discipleship conference and it was the beginning of the end of the old me. My husband and I heard David Platt speak for the first time. If you don't know who this genius of the pulpit is, you will need to get on your ipod and get you some Church at Brook Hills sermons. They will change your life.
But back to how this sermon changed my life. David Platt spoke about a few things. The thing that stuck with me was this: If you believe in the Bible, if you believe that the Bible is the word of God, then you do what it says. If you aren't doing what it says, how do you know you really love God or believe in Him? Maybe I got the message all wrong. But that is how it hit my heart.
I wasn't being the kind of wife that God said I should be. I wasn't being the kind of mother God said I should be. I wasn't taking care of the poor, or widows or disabled like God said I should be. I was serving myself. I was loving myself. But not any one else.
I was working. But it wasn't working out where I was working. It had become blatantly obvious that I couldn't be a new person and still work there. The reasons are many. But it was obvious. It was clear that God wanted me to quit. But I had worked there since I was 22 and I had built up quite the career for myself. That was really the issue - that job was all about me. What I had accomplished. What I had built. I was forsaking my God-given calling as a wife and mother for what the world would consider success. I would never be able to work there and be who God called me to be.
Mike (that's the husband) and I were discussing this fact and I was really upset. It was so hard for me to think of not having that job any more. So Mike, in his infinite wisdom told me to go pray about it. If, after I prayed I didn't feel like this is what God wanted, then I shouldn't quit. That sounded reasonable. I could just tell him whatever I wanted after I prayed and I could do what I wanted, right? Yeah, no - that's not how it turned out.
I went to our bedroom. I laid on the bed. I put my face on the mattress and I cried out to God. "God," I said, "I don't want to quit my job." My job was my identity. It was who I was. Who would I be without that job? I would be trapped. This is what I heard God say: "Do you want to be a slave forever?" What? What are you talking about? "Do you want to be a slave forever?" And I opened my Bible to Exodus 14. And I read about the crossing of the Red Sea. I read about how the Israelites were paralyzed by fear. But God told them to "Stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish (for you) today."
God was telling me that I was a slave. I hadn't earned any career. I was in bondage to the identity that the career gave me. In God was my freedom. I just had to let Him do his work - I had to be brave and take that first step in between those ocean walls and then just watch what He could do.
What I had to do was clear. I went back to the living room where Mike was waiting patiently. I hadn't been gone that long. I told him what God had said. I went to work the next day and turned in my resignation. That was a Monday. That was my salary, my hopes for myself, my plans for my life, my accomplishments and dreams - everything that I had built up for my glory - gone.
On Friday that same week, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. After that, things kind of went down hill. I guess we will have to get to the second year next time.
That first year was plagued by my attempts to keep Christ from changing me. It was destroyed by my attempts to keep Christ at bay - to live my life like I wanted it. But that time was over. I got my calling that year. I was changed that year. And I would never, ever be the same.
Thanks for hanging in for the super long post. Maybe once we get past the past, I'll get less long-winded. Love you all. Praying for you.
Tricia
Friday, January 13, 2012
Beginning...
Welcome. I'm new to the blogging, so you might have to bear with me for one or two posts. But thank you for tuning in. I so appreciate it.
The goal of this thing, this blog is to get out on screen what God has written on my heart. I know that God has called me to use my story. I just don't know how. That's the great thing about God. He's full of surprises. But I know I need to get it out. So here it is. :-)
I have been following Jesus for 3 years now. I was saved one afternoon in January in the middle of a church cafe by a woman who was for all intents and purposes threatening me. That's just proof that when the Holy Spirit moves it doesn't matter who is doing the talking or what they are saying. God gets through.
In 2008, I had left my husband. I had taken our two boys and moved in with my mother and filed for divorce. During the year my husband and I were apart I spiraled down into alcoholism and a mild addiction to zanax. I drank and I worked and I slept. Not always in that order. My outward life didn't appear desperate. I was promoted at work and bought a new car and a house. But I was dying inside.
While I was getting worse, my husband was getting better. In August of that year he accepted Christ as his Savior. The story is beautiful. I'm going to steal his thunder and tell it. My husband had been having these dreams. He was covered in black tar. He would try to clean himself and would only get more covered in tar. He would wake up in a cold sweat, unable to move. Then finally, one night he was having the same dream, only this time a Man came. The Man cleaned all of the tar off of my husband. My husband was clean. And the Man didn't get dirty. It was a miracle. Then, my husband woke up.
A few days later my husband was desperate for change in his life. He told God that if He wanted what was left of his life, God could have it. Immediately, my husband felt a change in his physical body that sent upheaval through his emotions. My husband was changed. He was Saved.
The change was evident in his behavior. Remember, I had divorced him. That doesn't make for friendliness when exchanging the kids on the weekend. But now, he was being nice to me. He started to "Love Dare" me. He took care of me when I was hungover and couldn't take care of myself. He took our boys to church and taught them to pray. He went to a marriage conference by himself to learn to be a better husband (again, we weren't married, we were divorced). He really had changed.
I would go to church with my husband and my boys and I would feel nothing. People would sing and I would feel nothing. The preacher would preach and I would feel nothing. I knew there was something wrong with me.
I met with a friend for lunch one day and just told her that my soul was dying. I didn't know what to do anymore. She had told me about a friend of hers who had left her husband but had gone back to her marriage. I asked to meet with this person. I didn't know what else to do.
The woman was kind enough to meet with me that very week. I was crazy late to our meeting because the poo had hit the fan at work that day. I had tried to cancel, but thank God she waited on me anyway. I told her my story. She told me hers. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I didn't know. This is where the story gets good.
She leaned across the table. She looked me right in the eye. She passed my phone over to me. She said, "You are going to call your husband. That's what he is. He is your husband. You are going to call him and tell him you are ready to reconcile."
I was shocked. No, I'm sure not. That was my response. As if she hadn't said enough, then she turned around and said this, "You have two choices at this point. One is Jesus. The other is hell. Which one are you going to choose? Today is the day. This is it."
Gasp! WHAT? This is where you get offended on my behalf. It's okay. What she said was offensive. But that doesn't change the accuracy of the statement. It only took me a second to answer. "Jesus."
I called my husband. He came and met us. I had to confess to him what I had been doing. He took me back and forgave me. Much like Jesus. And I was "saved." There was no magic prayer. There was no walk down an aisle to an alter where people cheered when I got there. Just me, this mean woman, my dear husband, and Jesus. Lots of forgiveness in that room. I bet no one even noticed.
Since then, I've known that God was going to use His story. Because this is His story. My story was the drugs and the alcohol. Anything good belongs to Him. So I'm going to tell the story to anyone who will listen in hopes that they find God in the words. You see, when you understand how much Jesus really loves you, you can't help but love Him back. And that love will lead you to do crazy things. Like admit what a bad person you are to lots of people who you might be embarrassed to know that side of you. But my purpose is no longer to glorify me. My purpose is to glorify Him. And if that means a little blushing in public, then I can handle that.
We'll talk more another day. I look forward to your comments, if you have them. Thanks for hanging out and reading my stuff.
Praying for you -
Tricia
The goal of this thing, this blog is to get out on screen what God has written on my heart. I know that God has called me to use my story. I just don't know how. That's the great thing about God. He's full of surprises. But I know I need to get it out. So here it is. :-)
I have been following Jesus for 3 years now. I was saved one afternoon in January in the middle of a church cafe by a woman who was for all intents and purposes threatening me. That's just proof that when the Holy Spirit moves it doesn't matter who is doing the talking or what they are saying. God gets through.
In 2008, I had left my husband. I had taken our two boys and moved in with my mother and filed for divorce. During the year my husband and I were apart I spiraled down into alcoholism and a mild addiction to zanax. I drank and I worked and I slept. Not always in that order. My outward life didn't appear desperate. I was promoted at work and bought a new car and a house. But I was dying inside.
While I was getting worse, my husband was getting better. In August of that year he accepted Christ as his Savior. The story is beautiful. I'm going to steal his thunder and tell it. My husband had been having these dreams. He was covered in black tar. He would try to clean himself and would only get more covered in tar. He would wake up in a cold sweat, unable to move. Then finally, one night he was having the same dream, only this time a Man came. The Man cleaned all of the tar off of my husband. My husband was clean. And the Man didn't get dirty. It was a miracle. Then, my husband woke up.
A few days later my husband was desperate for change in his life. He told God that if He wanted what was left of his life, God could have it. Immediately, my husband felt a change in his physical body that sent upheaval through his emotions. My husband was changed. He was Saved.
The change was evident in his behavior. Remember, I had divorced him. That doesn't make for friendliness when exchanging the kids on the weekend. But now, he was being nice to me. He started to "Love Dare" me. He took care of me when I was hungover and couldn't take care of myself. He took our boys to church and taught them to pray. He went to a marriage conference by himself to learn to be a better husband (again, we weren't married, we were divorced). He really had changed.
I would go to church with my husband and my boys and I would feel nothing. People would sing and I would feel nothing. The preacher would preach and I would feel nothing. I knew there was something wrong with me.
I met with a friend for lunch one day and just told her that my soul was dying. I didn't know what to do anymore. She had told me about a friend of hers who had left her husband but had gone back to her marriage. I asked to meet with this person. I didn't know what else to do.
The woman was kind enough to meet with me that very week. I was crazy late to our meeting because the poo had hit the fan at work that day. I had tried to cancel, but thank God she waited on me anyway. I told her my story. She told me hers. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I didn't know. This is where the story gets good.
She leaned across the table. She looked me right in the eye. She passed my phone over to me. She said, "You are going to call your husband. That's what he is. He is your husband. You are going to call him and tell him you are ready to reconcile."
I was shocked. No, I'm sure not. That was my response. As if she hadn't said enough, then she turned around and said this, "You have two choices at this point. One is Jesus. The other is hell. Which one are you going to choose? Today is the day. This is it."
Gasp! WHAT? This is where you get offended on my behalf. It's okay. What she said was offensive. But that doesn't change the accuracy of the statement. It only took me a second to answer. "Jesus."
I called my husband. He came and met us. I had to confess to him what I had been doing. He took me back and forgave me. Much like Jesus. And I was "saved." There was no magic prayer. There was no walk down an aisle to an alter where people cheered when I got there. Just me, this mean woman, my dear husband, and Jesus. Lots of forgiveness in that room. I bet no one even noticed.
Since then, I've known that God was going to use His story. Because this is His story. My story was the drugs and the alcohol. Anything good belongs to Him. So I'm going to tell the story to anyone who will listen in hopes that they find God in the words. You see, when you understand how much Jesus really loves you, you can't help but love Him back. And that love will lead you to do crazy things. Like admit what a bad person you are to lots of people who you might be embarrassed to know that side of you. But my purpose is no longer to glorify me. My purpose is to glorify Him. And if that means a little blushing in public, then I can handle that.
We'll talk more another day. I look forward to your comments, if you have them. Thanks for hanging out and reading my stuff.
Praying for you -
Tricia
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