Waiting...

I have always had a special affection for Sarah, Abraham's wife. I have felt close to her, for some reason. I feel like I understand her - the things that she had to go through. Sarah didn't have it easy. One day, she was hanging out with Abraham - then Abram - when God called him. He told Abram to get up, leave his country, his relatives and his father's family and to to a land "I will show you." It doesn't sound like God told him where that would be. He told Abram he would show him. God promised Abram that He would bless him and make him famous. So it says Abram got up, grabbed up his wife and his nephew and hit the bricks. I have always wondered what Sarah said when Abram came and told her God had told them to leave everything they loved. The Bible makes no mention of Sarah making any argument. But I have always wondered...

So Sarah leaves with Abram. And despite Abram's mistakes and mistrust, God blessed Abram greatly and promised him his descendents would be more numorous then the stars in the sky. He promised Abram because of his faith, he would be counted righteous.

Sarah, though, wasn't buying it. And I don't think Abram was either, honestly. Because when Sarah brought her servant to Abram and told him to let Hagar give him children instead of her, Abram didn't say no. He took Hagar into his bed and got her pregnant. This was a huge lapse in judgement that would effect generation after generation of people. Ishmael is known as an important patriarch and prophet of Islam. Muslims believe that Muhammad is a descendent of Ishmael that would establish a great nation as promised by God in the Old Testament. This denial of the promise of God is still effecting the world today.

At this point, Abram is 87 years old. That seems too old to have any children, right? It seemed too old to Abram and Sarah, too. But it was at this point that God gives Abram his new name - Abraham - and promises him again that he will have a nation of descendents. Abraham and Sarah laugh at the thought. Genesis 18:12 tells us that Sarah laughed and said, "How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master, my husband, is also so old?"

And this is where Sarah and I connect. Sarah married a man before either one of them really knew God. Then her husband was called and that also meant that Sarah was called. Sarah had to not only have faith in God, but she had to have faith in Abraham to follow him when he told her he heard the voice of God. She had to trust God and Abraham when Abraham let her be collected by the Egyptians. She had to believe in God and Abraham when she was told she would bear a son. In her 90's, though, she couldn't hold on any more. She had let that dream go - she thought that God had forgotten about her and there was no way he could make good on his promise.

What she didn't know is that our God thinks outside the box. As Sarah saw first hand, a man can get any young woman can get pregnant. But it takes a miracle from God for a woman in her 90's to not only get pregnant, but get through childbirth and then care for a young baby. And Sarah got the humor in it. In Genesis 21:6, when Isaac is finally born, Sarah declares,"God has brought me laughter. All who hear about this will laugh with me."

I know what Sarah was feeling when she brought Hagar to Abraham. God saved my husband, then me. After we were saved, everything we knew and thought we knew was stripped away to nothing. We have been lifted away from our family and friends and placed in desolate Atlanta. Okay, Atlanta isn't the desert. But it isn't home. I thought I new what my life would be 5 years ago. It is not now what I thought it would be. I've gone from having a career that I thought I would always have to being a wife, mom and having an extra child. God has blessed us during this time, so much, but it has still been pretty scary. We don't worship a tame lion. There's no telling what God is going to do.

But one thing I have learned is that God keeps his promises. Just like God kept his promise to Sarah, I know God will keep his promises to me. But this is what really blows my mind. Genesis records Sarah's doubt of God's promises. But in Hebrews 11:11 - Sarah is still counted as having faith. The writer of Hebrews tells us that it was by faith that Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and old. "She believed that God would keep his promises."

Even though Sarah's faith wavered, she is still counted as having faith. God still saw her as faithful. I can't tell you what hope that brings me. What joy that makes me feel. I pray that God will still see me as faithful despite how I have doubted His promises. I pray that I can trust Him, and not try to make is promises come to pass my own way. I want to wait on God. I want to have what God promised His way b/c I know that is what is best. But - confession time - I am afraid I will be 90 before it happens. What if I'm too old to really enjoy it when God is ready to fulfill his promises? I suppose I will have to do what Sarah did and laugh along with everyone else - right?

No- we don't worship a God that will be told what to do. We don't worship a God who will bend to our will. And I love God for saving me. So I will wait on Him to tell me to move. I just need to stay ready for the call and be ready to jump when He says go! I pray I don't get lazy and tired. I pray I will be ready. Because I want to do what God has called me and I want to experience God's promise. So I will wait. Like Sarah.

God's Plans

I set out to write a completely different post today. As I was searching for a verse that as of right now I'm not even sure actually exists, I came across the story of Jesus, Mary, Martha and Lazarus. I really love this story and I think God is urging me to write about that instead. So here it goes!

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the story, Mary and Martha are sisters. Lazarus is their brother. They all had a relationship with Jesus while he was on earth and believed him to be the Messiah. While Jesus was traveling Lazarus became sick to the point of death. Mary and Martha sent for Jesus so that he could come home and heal Lazarus, as they had seen him heal many other sick and disabled. I think it is important to note that they must have felt pretty comfortable with Jesus - whom they believed to be the Messiah - to send for someone to go and get Him. Jesus didn't come when they called, though. He stayed where He was. When asked by His disciples why He wouldn't go to Lazarus, He told them that Lazarus' illness was for God's glory so God's Son could be glorified through it. And then He waited.

After Lazarus had died and been placed in a tomb, Jesus arrived. Mourning had already begun. When Martha and Mary heard that Jesus had arrived Martha went to Him immediately. Mary, on the other hand, did not go to Jesus. I believe she was hurt. I believe she was angry with Jesus. He could have healed Lazarus if He had come. Why hadn't He come? What was He doing that was so important that He could just let her brother die? Didn't He love her? Did He love Lazarus?

Jesus knew why He had stayed away. He knew He would raise Lazarus and He knew that through this miracle He and God would be glorified. He knew because of the testimony of Mary, Martha and Lazarus many would be believe He is the Messiah and be saved. Even with this knowledge, when He arrived at the home of Mary and Martha and He saw all of the weeping and mourning He cried. John 11 tells us Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled. The Greek for "deeply moved" literally means "threatened to enjoin." He was moved by the emotion of those hurting around Him that even though He knew Lazarus' death was permanent, He was still in as much pain as those around Him.

The God we worship is sovereign. He is not absent. He is never far away. When we are hurting, He is close by. When those around us die, when we are abused, when we are tormented, when we lose everything and don't know why - Jesus is there. And even though He knows that the outcome is His ultimate glorification - which is the point of each of our lives - He hurts when we hurt. It pains the Living God to watch us suffer.

We live in a world that would tell us that if God cared, He wouldn't let bad things happen to us. They would say that if there was a God and He could stop evil and He doesn't, that makes Him cruel and unjust. But I think that is nonsense. Let me tell you why. God is far more concerned with our eternal life than He is with our temporary comforts. I used to say, before I was saved, that I didn't know if I could worship a God that would stand by and let me be abused as a child. But now I understand. God knew that that is what it would take to eventually bring me to Him. Without that time in my life, who knows if I ever would have accepted Christ as my Savior? And while I hate that it happened, and a day doesn't go by when I don't think about it, if God can use it to bring glory to Himself, then I would gladly suffer it again. Okay. Probably not gladly. But I would suffer it. Because I understand now the deep love that Christ has for me. And the only response to understanding God's love is to desire with your whole being to bring Him glory.

If you feel alone today, if you feel like God isn't coming - if you feel like you have called Him, but He's not answering - know that He hears you. Know that He isn't going to leave you in your pain. He is weeping and mourning with you. The day is coming when you will see God's plan and you will understand. Until then, know that Jesus weeps. And then He gets to work. He raises people from the dead. He restores what only He could restore. He moves what only He could move. And you are not alone.

Welcome Back!

I haven't posted anything in almost a year. That was not my intention when I wrote my last post in March of 2012. I intended, once my family was moved and we were all settled, to start back again. I also intended to write even more frequently because I wouldn't be working and I would have more time. I should be able to write more, right?

Clearly, I was mistaken. My husband got a new job in Atlanta, so we made the move from Chattanooga kind of frantically. The husband wasn't sure if he would get the job, so we didn't plan on moving until after he had a hire date. What a horrible move that was. We still had a few weeks to get everything together, but it was still difficult to get everything packed and ready for a family of five. Then, there was the getting here. The day of the move, one of the boys ended up in the urgent care. We also found out the gas hadn't been turned on at the house so we didn't have hot water. It wouldn't be turned on for another week after that because of an issue with the water heater. Our refrigerator broke down and we had to throw all of our food away. The plumbing in the house had gotten clogged from no one living at the residence and toilets started overflowing with raw sewage the first week. To say that those first two weeks were a disaster is an understatement of glorious porportions.

However, we are here and still standing. All of the problems were fixed or corrected as best they could be and all is well. I did discover, though, that being a stay at home mom to a toddler doesn't allot for hours and hours of free time. Or any free time. So I quickly forgot about my writing and devoted myself to being good to my husband and children in this new life that we started in Atlanta.

I am ready to start writing again though for a couple of reasons. One is that it keeps me close to God. It keeps me in the Word and I need to be in the Word all the time. I can't be a good wife, a good mother or a good anything with out Jesus permiating every part of me. The second is that I am going to start teaching Bible study again and I like having this extra outlet to share what God is showing me through teaching. Because God teaches me through my studying more than I actually teach.

So thanks for sticking around. My goal is to post twice a week. That is a lot - especially considering how long it has been since I have posted anything. But I'm committed. I'm all in. I look forward to hearing your feedback about my posts.

I love you all!
In Christ -
Tricia

I Never, Ever Have to Be Afraid

We sang a song a few weeks ago at church and there is a line in the song that says, "I never, ever have to be afraid..." This line really gets me every time I sing it. Really, it's because I can't remember a time when I haven't, to some extent, been afraid. I grew up in a home where fear was manufactured and used for control. It's difficult to describe without dishonoring my parents, whom I love. Know that they are not bad people and I do not view them negatively (anymore). But I have always, always been afraid. I have anxious tics and nervous eye movements. I'm jumpy and can't handle being yelled at to this day. It turns me into an 8 year old instantly. I have always been afraid. That's not to say that I view myself as easy to intimidate. It's that I have this undercurrent of fear that is always brewing right below the surface. I have learned to hide it well, so when you meet me you may not know. Some of my best friends may not know. But I know. In my adult life this fear has manifested itself in many different ways. Mostly as this bravado that I spew at unsuspecting individuals. I am loud and kind of obnoxious. I have a mean sense of humor - I don't know how to joke with people and I'm kind of socially awkward. Thank goodness God loves me and is changing me. I can see how my fear undercurrent has made me different from everyone else, though. So to hear a line in a song that says I never, ever have to be afraid is pretty striking. How do I get that? How do I get to never, ever be afraid. Being afraid is kind of who I am. It's in me, like my DNA. How do I extract that? How do you eliminate something that is a part of who you are? In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul tells Timothy that "God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." The word used for "spirit" here is the Greek word 'pneuma' and is the word most often used for the "Holy Spirit." Holy Spirit is what is sent to live in us, in place of us when we believe that Jesus is the Messiah. You hear people talk about God living in their hearts - they are (or should be) referring to Holy Spirit. Let me give you an example of how Paul uses 'pneuma' in another verse: 2 Corinthians 13:14 : "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ , and the love of God and the communion of the Holy Ghost, [be] with you all . Amen" Looking at it in this context, what it seems to me that Paul is saying is that God gave me the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit is not afraid, but powerful, loving and is self-controlled. God didn't give me my spirit of fear. Someone else did that. Is God sovereign over my childhood - absolutely. But that is a topic for a different post - maybe the next one. Let me make it clear, though, I do not believe God was absent when I was 8. He was very present and very aware of my circumstances. He did not leave me. He was there when this spirit of fear was being developed in my soul, in my very being. Then, when He saved me, He gave me a new Spirit. And this Spirit is not afraid of anything - because it is the One True God. I can't fathom God being afraid of anything. If this is the Spirit that possesses my thoughts, my actions, my words and every part of my being, then it is safe to say that I never, ever have to be afraid. I can't even being to tell you how freeing that is for me. I can't describe it. God already lives in me. He is my Spirit. He is my heart. He is my DNA. That is how the fear can be extracted. I let God take out what He did not intend and I let Him replace those parts with Himself. If I allow Him to make me who He intended me to be, if I allow His Spirit to become who I am, then I never, ever have to be afraid. This is new skin I'm walking in. This is a new world. His ways are so much better than my ways. I thank God for His mercy - He could have left me in my sin and my fear, but instead He put that on Jesus. Thank you, God, for giving me your Spirit that never, ever has to be afraid again. Amen. Praying for you all. Tricia

Jesus and the Little Girl

I have a birthday coming up in a few days. I try not to think about how old I am. I often lie about my age, as a matter of fact <gasp>. Don't judge me. Twenty-nine was a good year. I've decided to stick with that.

My birthdays often make me think of being a little girl. There were definitely a few good birthdays in those single digit years that make me smile. I had slumber parties and stayed up late dancing (if that's what you can call it). I ate too much and laughed a lot. There were some rough years in there, as well. Life wasn't always super in my house.

Jesus knew a little girl once. This is the story that the Gospels depict of Jesus' encounter with this little girl. Things apparently didn't go very well for her, either. You never hear her name. You never see her face. But you get to see what happens when she meets Jesus.

"While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” he said. “Don’t bother the teacher anymore.” Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child’s father and mother. Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. “Stop wailing,” Jesus said. “She is not dead but asleep.”

They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead.But he took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!” Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat.Her parents were astonished, but he ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened."

So to sum it up, Jesus is busy healing one woman when Jairus walks up and doesn't even get the chance to ask Jesus to heal his daughter. Someone else tells Jairus that his daughter is dead. Don't even bother asking Jesus to heal her. She's gone. Jesus, in all His Glory says, "Just believe. I can still handle this." Jesus gets to Jairus's place and sees everyone crying. So he tells them to cut it out. Stop crying. She's not dead, but asleep. The word Jesus used for what we translate to mean "not dead" is "apothnesko ou" which means "absolutely not dead."

Everyone starts to laugh at Jesus. Not just laugh at Him, but laugh in scorn because they saw the girl die. Jesus hasn't even looked at her. How does He know? Right?

This is where it gets good. He walks into her room. He takes her hand. He says two words: "Pais, egeiro!" Pais means girl. Egeiro can mean two things. It can mean to rise from disease or death.  Or it can mean to to rise from ruins or non-existence.


I don't know what happened to that little girl. I don't know how she died. But I know whatever happened to her just didn't matter any more once Jesus got close.


I love this story. Once I was a little girl. And I died a long time before I even knew I was dead. I had some things taken from me. And then I started to give them away. But I was dead, nonetheless. But then Jesus walked in. He got close enough to me to hold my hand. And He told me to get up - to rise from my ruins, from the non-existence that I had made. And then my spirit returned and at once I was whole.

How do you not love Jesus? When this is what He does - when this is what His entire earthly ministry and every goal of His entrance onto this planet was, how do you not love Him?

If you would like to meet this Jesus, you let me know. I can introduce you.

Praying for you all -

Tricia

Everything Matters

God and I have been having this struggle lately. Wait, that's not right. I have been having this struggle with God lately. I've started to feel like maybe the things that I am going through aren't important. Does that make sense? Like what I am dealing with and how I am dealing with it don't really matter. Most of the time, the only people that see me are my husband and kids any way. I feel useless to the Kingdom. I feel impotent for Christ. That's like the exact opposite of what I want. That has led to me feeling like I'm not really good enough to serve Christ in the kind of capacity for which I thought He would use me. And that hurts.

But God has been speaking to me. He's not been telling me how great I am. He's not been telling me how important or smart I am. He has been telling me that He is great. He is important. He is sovereign. And it all matters.

God isn't ignoring me. He is growing me. God isn't looking away - He is waiting for me to look up. This is all about Him - this has nothing to do with me. And until I get that - until I really realize that my entire life is designed and built around glorifying God, I am making myself useless.

Every time I answer an angry word with a quiet word, I am making a difference for the Kingdom. Every time I notice my children and I correct or love them, I am making a difference. Even the smallest things - if I am doing them to and for the glory of God, they matter. Because they are glorifying God. Anything else that I do is worthless.

God has been telling me to live to His glory. If I want to make a difference, If I want to really make an impact, I have to live for His glory alone. I have to humble myself and seek Him and do whatever He asks. All the time.

When I think about it like that, it makes me feel silly for feeling any of the things I felt before. Because it's not about me. God is going to use me however He wants and even if I'm an idiot, that only increases the likelihood that I will be used! I just want to serve Him - I mean that with my whole heart. So God is telling me to relax, and remember whose greatness I should be seeking. If that means the only people I ever impact are in this house, then it still matters to Him. And that's all that matters any way.

What Now?

Well, I finished up with the past. Now I have to move on to the present day. Which forced me to really ask myself what I wanted this blog to be. I would like for it to be revelations as they come from God. I would like to be able to get out my daily redemption on "paper." God is always speaking, all the time and I really wanted to have a canvas on which to relate the various ways that He is working.

Here's my problem with that. I've been avoiding God. There. I said it. It's out there. I don't feel better - but there it is. God is definitely speaking to me right now. I just don't like what He is saying. So I'm ignoring Him. Wow, does that sound stupid when I say it out loud. Where do I really think I'm hiding? I'm not clever enough to outwit my 18 month old who still thinks he hides behind his hands. That must be what I look like to God - a toddler putting her hands over her eyes saying, " I don't see you!"

Why am I avoiding God, you ask? That's kind of a long story. The gist of it is I am having some problems with my family that I don't want to deal with. Turns out I'm a lot more angry about things that happened a long time ago than I would like to admit and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to confront anyone, because I don't think that would do any good. But I'm really not good at pretending or patronizing someone by pretending I feel something for them that I don't, so I've just been avoiding people all together. God has been telling me for a while that I need to deal with it, I just don't know how. So I've been avoiding God, too, hoping the whole situation will just disappear. Turns out life doesn't just vanish when it gets difficult.

We met with a new small group last week and I was asked to put down on paper the situations in our lives that we can't run from but we don't have any power to change. I put my family relationships down and now, over the next two weeks I am to be reflecting on what God is saying to me about this particular thing. An entire week of my two weeks went by with me still trying to ignore the situation. But then I got the accountability carpet pulled right out from under me and I felt like I had to do something.

I had a quiet time this morning. I prayed first that God would show me something - anything to help me hear what He is telling me about this "weed." I was really hoping for something more than that I have to deal with it. I know I have to deal with it. I just need some motivation.

So I read in the Gospels. Specifically, I hit some Mark. Once I started reading, I didn't want to stop. I was reading in the chapters where Jesus does all of the healing. He heals a leper. He heals a paralytic that was lowered from a roof. He heals his friend's mom. He gets up early to pray and then travels to another town where he continues to heal the sick and chase demons out of the living.

In the middle of reading, it hit me. All of these injured, wounded and broken had to be carried to Jesus somehow. Someone had to bring these people to healing. Some were so desperate to get their loved ones to Jesus that they removed a roof and lowered the sick down right in front of the Son of God. He was too broken to get to God himself. So someone carried him. That has just continued to resonate with me all day long. They had to believe so deeply that Jesus was the only thing that could fix this person that they loved that they climbed some one's house, hitched a rope to the sick guy's bed, tore up the roof, and lowered their brother in - just to get him in front of Jesus. They weren't going to give up until they got that guy in front of Jesus. Man, I'm a bad sister.

I'm really not sure where God is going with this in me yet. I just know that I am "well." I'm not perfect - but I am healed. I have a relationship with Christ that I'm not sure many in my family have. I need to have faith that Christ can heal this thing that has been broken. I have no idea how that is going to happen. But I know it has to start with some restoration. If anyone is going to let me carry them, they are going to have to let me get close enough to them to put my arms around them. So that is what I will be praying for - restoration. And forgiveness.

Thanks for hanging in. I'll be praying for you all.

Tricia