What Now?

Well, I finished up with the past. Now I have to move on to the present day. Which forced me to really ask myself what I wanted this blog to be. I would like for it to be revelations as they come from God. I would like to be able to get out my daily redemption on "paper." God is always speaking, all the time and I really wanted to have a canvas on which to relate the various ways that He is working.

Here's my problem with that. I've been avoiding God. There. I said it. It's out there. I don't feel better - but there it is. God is definitely speaking to me right now. I just don't like what He is saying. So I'm ignoring Him. Wow, does that sound stupid when I say it out loud. Where do I really think I'm hiding? I'm not clever enough to outwit my 18 month old who still thinks he hides behind his hands. That must be what I look like to God - a toddler putting her hands over her eyes saying, " I don't see you!"

Why am I avoiding God, you ask? That's kind of a long story. The gist of it is I am having some problems with my family that I don't want to deal with. Turns out I'm a lot more angry about things that happened a long time ago than I would like to admit and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to confront anyone, because I don't think that would do any good. But I'm really not good at pretending or patronizing someone by pretending I feel something for them that I don't, so I've just been avoiding people all together. God has been telling me for a while that I need to deal with it, I just don't know how. So I've been avoiding God, too, hoping the whole situation will just disappear. Turns out life doesn't just vanish when it gets difficult.

We met with a new small group last week and I was asked to put down on paper the situations in our lives that we can't run from but we don't have any power to change. I put my family relationships down and now, over the next two weeks I am to be reflecting on what God is saying to me about this particular thing. An entire week of my two weeks went by with me still trying to ignore the situation. But then I got the accountability carpet pulled right out from under me and I felt like I had to do something.

I had a quiet time this morning. I prayed first that God would show me something - anything to help me hear what He is telling me about this "weed." I was really hoping for something more than that I have to deal with it. I know I have to deal with it. I just need some motivation.

So I read in the Gospels. Specifically, I hit some Mark. Once I started reading, I didn't want to stop. I was reading in the chapters where Jesus does all of the healing. He heals a leper. He heals a paralytic that was lowered from a roof. He heals his friend's mom. He gets up early to pray and then travels to another town where he continues to heal the sick and chase demons out of the living.

In the middle of reading, it hit me. All of these injured, wounded and broken had to be carried to Jesus somehow. Someone had to bring these people to healing. Some were so desperate to get their loved ones to Jesus that they removed a roof and lowered the sick down right in front of the Son of God. He was too broken to get to God himself. So someone carried him. That has just continued to resonate with me all day long. They had to believe so deeply that Jesus was the only thing that could fix this person that they loved that they climbed some one's house, hitched a rope to the sick guy's bed, tore up the roof, and lowered their brother in - just to get him in front of Jesus. They weren't going to give up until they got that guy in front of Jesus. Man, I'm a bad sister.

I'm really not sure where God is going with this in me yet. I just know that I am "well." I'm not perfect - but I am healed. I have a relationship with Christ that I'm not sure many in my family have. I need to have faith that Christ can heal this thing that has been broken. I have no idea how that is going to happen. But I know it has to start with some restoration. If anyone is going to let me carry them, they are going to have to let me get close enough to them to put my arms around them. So that is what I will be praying for - restoration. And forgiveness.

Thanks for hanging in. I'll be praying for you all.

Tricia