Getting Through the Past

Alright. So, as of my first post that just so happens to be my last post we learned all about how I came to know Jesus as my Savior. My goal with this post is to bust through the past 2 years so we can get onto what God is teaching me at present, day to day.

The past two years. Well, the first of those years can be summed up like this. It was horrible. With a capital horror. I'm not even kidding. It was rough.

You see, I was "saved." And I was changed. But I had no clue how to act. My body and my mind were still the old me. The only thing that was different was the Holy Spirit residing in my person. I still really wanted to drink. Lots. And do the zanax. It's how I coped. I didn't know how to live life without a little something to get me through. My emotions were all over the place. Probably because it was the first time I had felt anything in years.

Also, I happen to be a compulsive liar. It's how I've always protected myself and gotten by. And I really wanted to keep lying. But it was like this - every time I tried to lie, every time I wanted to drink, every time I thought about using drugs, the Holy Spirit resounded in me like a gong. And that's exactly what it felt like. Like this ringing anxiety in my chest - this palpitation that I've come to know as the Holy Spirit speaking to me - alerting me. I tried to stuff it down for a while, but man God just doesn't quit.

When I think about this time, I think about Ephesians 4. Paul says this starting in verse 22: "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

God was trying to make me holy. But I had no clue where to start.

During this time, my husband and I went to a conference called Replicate. It was a discipleship conference and it was the beginning of the end of the old me. My husband and I heard David Platt speak for the first time. If you don't know who this genius of the pulpit is, you will need to get on your ipod and get you some Church at Brook Hills sermons. They will change your life.

But back to how this sermon changed my life. David Platt spoke about a few things. The thing that stuck with me was this: If you believe in the Bible, if you believe that the Bible is the word of God, then you do what it says. If you aren't doing what it says, how do you know you really love God or believe in Him? Maybe I got the message all wrong. But that is how it hit my heart.

I wasn't being the kind of wife that God said I should be. I wasn't being the kind of mother God said I should be. I wasn't taking care of the poor, or widows or disabled like God said I should be. I was serving myself. I was loving myself. But not any one else.

I was working. But it wasn't working out where I was working. It had become blatantly obvious that I couldn't be a new person and still work there. The reasons are many. But it was obvious. It was clear that God wanted me to quit. But I had worked there since I was 22 and I had built up quite the career for myself. That was really the issue - that job was all about me. What I had accomplished. What I had built. I was forsaking my God-given calling as a wife and mother for what the world would consider success. I would never be able to work there and be who God called me to be.

Mike (that's the husband) and I were discussing this fact and I was really upset. It was so hard for me to think of not having that job any more. So Mike, in his infinite wisdom told me to go pray about it. If, after I prayed I didn't feel like this is what God wanted, then I shouldn't quit. That sounded reasonable. I could just tell him whatever I wanted after I prayed and I could do what I wanted, right? Yeah, no - that's not how it turned out.

I went to our bedroom. I laid on the bed. I put my face on the mattress and I cried out to God. "God," I said, "I don't want to quit my job." My job was my identity. It was who I was. Who would I be without that job? I would be trapped. This is what I heard God say: "Do you want to be a slave forever?" What? What are you talking about? "Do you want to be a slave forever?" And I opened my Bible to Exodus 14. And I read about the crossing of the Red Sea. I read about how the Israelites were paralyzed by fear. But God told them to "Stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish (for you) today."

God was telling me that I was a slave. I hadn't earned any career. I was in bondage to the identity that the career gave me. In God was my freedom. I just had to let Him do his work - I had to be brave and take that   first step in between those ocean walls and then just watch what He could do.

What I had to do was clear. I went back to the living room where Mike was waiting patiently. I hadn't been gone that long. I told him what God had said. I went to work the next day and turned in my resignation. That was a Monday. That was my salary, my hopes for myself, my plans for my life, my accomplishments and dreams - everything that I had built up for my glory - gone.

On Friday that same week, I found out I was pregnant with our third child. After that, things kind of went down hill. I guess we will have to get to the second year next time.

That first year was plagued by my attempts to keep Christ from changing me. It was destroyed by my attempts to keep Christ at bay - to live my life like I wanted it. But that time was over. I got my calling that year. I was changed that year. And I would never, ever be the same.

Thanks for hanging in for the super long post. Maybe once we get past the past, I'll get less long-winded. Love you all. Praying for you.

Tricia