Almost There...

Okay, kids. Let's get through these last years so we can get on to the good stuff. God is all about redemption, and that is the story I really want to get to telling. He is redeeming us all the time. But what He is doing now won't make sense unless you know what He has already done. So let's hit it.

I ended the first year with me quitting my job to find later that same week that we were pregnant. The identification of the pregnancy was subsequent to the unemployment. Just wanted to make that clear.

Our marriage was still in shambles. Divorce is hard for a lot of reasons. I told myself when I did it that it was what was best for everyone. But truth be told, it wasn't what was best. It hurt me, it hurt my children and it hurt my husband in ways that I didn't even get to see until we were all living in the same house again. It all became quite evident in that first year and bled into the second and third year. We were a mess.

I was still not being a good wife. I thought I was - you know, because I wasn't drinking any more and I was trying not to lie and the husband and kids were my life now. Why wasn't that enough? I had this idea that because I was "saved" and God had "changed" me that things were just going to be magical and fancy and new. That I would be the perfect housewife and Mike would be the perfect husband and we would never fight again and always be happy. Imagine the opposite of that. That was reality. Not what I thought. But the opposite of what I had imagined.

There were times during that first year and into this second one that I felt like God had tricked me. I had done what He wanted. Why wasn't He keeping His promises? In my mind, He had promised me happiness. My honesty should earn me some reward, right? Turns out, doing what is expected is the minimum and does not require reward of any kind.

Perhaps you will recall the prophet Jeremiah. If you are not well versed in the Bible, allow me to introduce you to Jeremiah. God made Jeremiah some promises. These are the words God spoke to him: "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant."

God told Jeremiah He had set him over kingdoms - that he would be pulling down nations and planting new ones. Those are some promises. Jeremiah was just a kid when God spoke these words to him so I can only imagine where his thoughts went - how he thought God would develop these promises in his life. But that's so not how it went down. Every time Jeremiah opened his mouth to speak the words that God gave him, he got beat up. Seriously. No one liked Jeremiah. At one point in his ministry, Jeremiah said these words to God: "You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it. You were too much for me. And now I'm a public joke. They all poke fun at me. Every time I open my mouth I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"And all I get for my God-warnings are insults and contempt." (The Message)

That's how I felt.  Like God pushed me into something with no intention on helping me through it. I was so blinded by my resentment toward my marriage and God that I completely couldn't see that I was the larger part of the problem. I was interfering with God's plan - still - so He was leaving me to my sin and the consequences of that sin.

How so, you ask? Well - this is how I found out. I went to another conference. The True Woman 2010 in February - of 2010. The first night, a Pastor spoke on 1  Peter 3:1-6. I had no idea these verses were even in the Bible until that night. Maybe you didn't either, so let me lay 'em on you: "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—  but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."


I took the liberty of bolding some of the text there for you. Holy crap. Are you kidding me? That's absolutely what I thought when that man started speaking on those verses. Submit? You don't know what you are asking me to do. You don't even understand. If I give him an inch he'll take the rest of our lives worth of a mile. No way am I backing down. I'm right. I have a right to what I feel. 


But I'll tell you what got to me. The part about how my conduct - my behavior - could win him. Not my words. Not me yelling back at him. Not me cursing at him. Not any of the things I was doing. But my behavior. If I could do what I was supposed to do, Mike would be won. He would be won to God. 


I had been laying all of the blame of the state of our marriage on Mike. I wasn't taking any responsibility because he was the man. He was the spiritual head. If things weren't going well, it had to be because of him and the way he was leading us. 


But God stuffed that one right back down my throat. With 1 Peter 3:1-6. By the time that sermon was over I was in shambles. I was still letting God down. All that self righteousness I had when I arrived at the conference was gone and I was wrecked. I went down to the front during the response time and wept bitterly at my behavior and begged God's forgiveness. I went and prayed with a sweet woman there who, as it turned out, was a Pastor's wife and was very encouraging. Then I went home. I had to ask Mike to forgive me for the things I had been saying and doing. I had to admit that I wasn't who I should be - that I still wasn't right with God, but that I would start to work on it and would be praying that God would change me. 


That's when the redemption really started. In February of 2010 - that's when things started to change. As I started to set myself under my husband - to recognize his authority in our relationship and be respectful of that - that's when things started to get better. He really did start to change. Our marriage really did start to improve. Some of the things I was afraid of happened. Things got worse before they got better. 


But ask me if it was worth it. The answer is yes. Yes, it was worth it. Because our marriage now is better than it ever was before. I trust that God has a purpose for those months when things were at their worst. Know that now, things are better than I ever could have imagined they would be. 


That year, we started looking for a new church. In 2011, we finally found a great home where we feel like we really fit. Mike got a raise and our financial situation has started to right itself. God has restored so many of the things that were lost - and even better than they were before. Not just relationships and not just material things - but everything. I don't even have enough space to go into all of the things that God's restoration has touched. Things have gotten magical. As I look back, I can see all of the things His hand has touched and I am in awe. 


2011 was an even better year. Things just continue to get better - to the point that as we embark on 2012, I'm excited to see what God has in store for us. God is so good. Know that even in the most painful times - God is still good. He is better than we know or understand. Even after the things I've seen - the filthy, depraved things I've experienced - I believe that God is good.

That's the message in these past couple of years. God's goodness. Even when I thought He had tricked me, He was good. When I cried at night because I felt so alone, He was good. When I didn't know how I was going to keep up anymore - God was good. Better than I understood.  And He loved me.

Next post - we will be to current date. Thanks for hanging in. I love you all.

Praying for you -

Tricia